August 11, 2006 | Fake fortune cookies piss me off

My mother bought these fortune cookies from some store (probably Publix). As a snack, I had one.

Now the problem with having fortune cookies as a snack is that my brain is programmed to believe that fortune cookies should be devoured only after eating a Chinese meal.

But I had one anyway. And it pissed me off.

You see, in a normal Chinese fortune cookie, you have a slip of paper with a fortune. The fortune is typically written in a serif font, not sans-serif. It is usually written in red and, on the back, you may find lotto numbers and a Chinese word (with the appropriate Chinese spelling and punctuation for said word).

On this fucking excuse for a fortune cookie, it has a shitty fortune. That’s it.

Here’s the kicker that really did it: the wrapper has nutritional facts! Why the hell would I want to know the nutritional value of a fortune cookie?

Next thing you know, there’ll be a warning message on the fortune cookie that reads “Paper included on inside of cookie. Remove paper before eating.”

Well, why bother ranting about it… It’s not like there are signs that inform you that your coffee may be hot.